“I think you’re weird and I don’t want to be friends with you anymore!”
“I challenge you to a fight, you idiot!”
“You don’t care about how I feel! This is why we can’t be friends anymore.”
These are some of many wounding words that I have heard from those whom I have crossed paths with—people I don’t see eye-to-eye with, and even friends and family. I have struggled with social interactions ever since I was in primary school and was often left out of gatherings. When such scarring words were hurled at me, they would shatter my confidence and cause me to withdraw even more. Indeed, it is tempting to be cynical and malevolent when we feel conditioned and pressured to conform to practices that impel us to seek justice on our own terms, rather than letting God be the ultimate judge. Ruminating and desiring control over others only created a vicious cycle of despair and weariness for myself.
However, as I continued to go through the motions and could not find my footing in this sea of uncertainty, I realised that I needed to embark on a quest to seek the abundant life which Jesus promises to those who follow him (John 10:10). I had to “be transformed by the renewal of [my] mind” (Romans 12:2). Today, it is by his grace that I am more rooted in his Word and live knowing that he loves me.
As I set off on my quest, I had to first accept that we are all broken as humans and are inclined to sin. No one has been able to escape from the clutches of sin (except Christ). In the past, I used to delude myself that there could be “perfect” humans, which caused me to feel defective and unworthy of being loved when I compared myself to others. It was only when I started to take my faith more seriously in Junior College and during the Covid-19 pandemic lockdown, by reading the Bible and beginning the discipline of daily devotion, that I was convicted of God’s mission to save humanity—to set us free from the shackles of sin and restore us to sonship in him (Isaiah 61:1-3). He showed me that his love was not just for me, but for all. I have had to accept, and am still learning to accept, that God’s love is freely poured out for all, friend and foe alike, and am also learning to see beyond surface-level behaviours to recognise their brokenness, just as Christ did during his ministry on earth.
How then was I to live out the Great Commandment that Jesus has proclaimed—to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” and to “love your neighbour as yourself” (Matthew 22:34- 40)? It was an apt reminder that the Christian life is not meant to be lived only inwardly, but that this inward disposition has to inform our outward behaviours. Salvation is meant to be shared with our neighbours as we love them, knowing that God first loved us. This fuelled my desire to reach out to and reconcile with those I may have wronged or who had wronged me, either by meeting them or forgiving them in my heart.
Finally, by forgiving myself and those around me, it gave me the confidence to step out and go through the doors that God has opened for me. By God’s grace, I have taken on opportunities which have affirmed God’s providence and have built up my self-confidence, such as being a sub-editor of the Methodist Message. His mercies are indeed new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23) as I have seen how God is restoring me each day and allowing me to steward his gifts in this role, such as having an eye for detail or the gift of writing.
God has opened yet more doors for me as he led me to deepen my understanding of him. For example, I came to know about the Koinonia Inclusion Network (KIN) through editing an article that was published a few months ago in the Methodist Message. This led me to sign up for KIN’s course, “Inclusive Christian Education” about including Persons with Disabilities (PWDs) in both our Sunday schools and the wider community.1 From attending the course, I have been able to apply the techniques learnt with my friends—some of whom have special needs like Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)—by welcoming them with God’s love, fostering an environment of openness, and learning to accept one another for who he has created us to be. For instance, I have begun to be more aware of my friends’ needs, such as watching for signs that they may be about to have a meltdown, how to find quiet, safe spaces to let them decompress if their senses are overstimulated while we are hanging out outside and being mindful of my language and tone via text and speech to minimise misunderstandings.
Furthermore, I have been blessed to have had time to read books such as Koinonia Groups: Nurturing Disability-Inclusive Small Groups in Your Church, which has helped me to lead my small group. One insight I learnt was how our small groups are meant to promote interdependence amongst one another and with God.2 Another was how to invigorate such a group through promoting active participation amongst members with soul-provoking questions.3 Finally, I got to understand how to run a small group that is inclusive for all through activities that are transformational, rather than being solely informational.4 These pointers have guided me as I continue to work on making the small group I am in a place that welcomes all, regardless of background or brokenness, and is ultimately helmed by God.
Indeed, I see that the confidence I have today as compared to before Covid-19 is by God’s grace. Being rooted in him and his Word has empowered me to step out into the world, knowing that I am in this world but not of this world, because he restores us each day ever closer to Christian perfection.
Truly, we were once lost and apart, trusting in our own broken cisterns instead of drinking from the source of living water (Jeremiah 2:13). Today, we are found and restored in God’s image and are blessed with the dignity of being his children.
Even when we have strayed from him for long periods of time, he always gives us opportunities to be restored to sonship with him. As baptised Christians, we have the seal of the Holy Spirit, and are given the mandate to go out into the world and help those who are broken to return to him—the one who always welcomes us back with open arms. Let us treasure these precious opportunities to seek the one who is the restorer of all—loving and serving him “with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30).
Being in a small group has given me (right, sitting) an opportunity to be authentic and accountable with those in the church community.
1 To know more about KIN and the courses they run, go to https://kin.org.sg/. 2 Ping Lin Chew, Wen Pin Leow and Jesselyn Ng, Koinonia Groups: Nurturing Disability-Inclusive Small Groups in Your Church (Singapore: Koinonia Inclusion Network, 2024), 22-24. 3 Chew, Leow and Ng, Koinonia Groups, 38-41. 4 Chew, Leow and Ng, Koinonia Groups, 50-62.
